Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I need to get something off my chest. It's no secret that I have been bullied, most of my life. However something I don't always talk about, as teenager I struggled with self-harming. It became a pain I could control, an ironic balm to the sooth all the pain inflicted upon me that I couldn't. To this day, I doubt my parents even knew the depths to which it went. they only saw the surface. I'm very fortunate in having amazing skin, I've never permanantly scared before. Even the deepest of cuts faded and disappeared over time. Not to say I don't bare the scars unpon my soul. I had my fair share of deep contemplation on if it was really worth living. I'm proud to say I've survived.
Now let it be said, I can't completely fault my coach. It isn't always easy being a student/ athlete/ coach and being hardly out of your teens. I can even say at times I could see the qualities that would make them a great coach, and outside of the gym they could be pretty great. However they've got some growing to do as a coach but I'm confident enough in due time they'll grow into their own as a coach. If they ever come across this, I hope it'll a teachable moment and not shatter their confidence, because in the larger picture they're a good person. Because it's not meant for that. I'm not vindictive.
A little over five months ago, I'd posted a photo on Instagram.
I said it was from cheerleading, it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. I left it to people to make the assumption it was sport related. It's time to clear the air.
I allowed a wound to fester, and eventually unloaded on my coach. I apologized for being a screw up, and that I try damn hard to master my counts. I practiced at two and three in the morning, knowing I had to be up at six am. I told them how they often make me feel worthless, and that I had no value. I was breaking a part. I bolted from the mats. I wanted to run, and I never wanted to look back. It was raining out, and my nfinitys are white.
 |
| Who'd want to muck up their competition shoe? |
Instead I flung myself into the bathroom, closed the door and broke apart. I cried for every bit hurt building in my heart. I cursed the fact the coach was pretty blind to what they were causing. What sucked, I could hear the coach making an example out of me from the bathroom, instead of you know checking on their athlete. As much as I wanted to walk, I made a commitment to my teammates and I wouldn't leave them no matter how much I was hurting.
I pulled as much of myself together and walked back into the gym. My heart was still shredded and I was bleeding through all the cracks in the tenius armour I'd built back up, but I went in. I went to my correct spot in the routine and my coach yelled at me and said get off the mats as they filled in my spot. A clear message of " Your replaceable". I went to the side and sat with my to the wall and watched, just incase something changed in the routine.
Sitting there intently watching, I had bit my finger nail down to a sharp jagged point and proceeded to gouge out the flesh on my forearm. When practice ended, I was bleeding like a stuck pig. Outside the gym, I gave the coach my competition money and they told me " I don't mean to make you feel that way, but I'm not here to be your friend. What happened tonight, if it happens again your off the team" ( which was ironic since they were friends with people on the team) all while demanding I look them in the eye. I didn't want to, I was looking away so they couldn't rip off another bleeding chunk. The coach so seemingly pissed at me during practice failed to notice their own athlete self-harming not even five feet away. I posted the picture on instagram, to remind myself I couldn't be completely destroyed. However that same image brought on so much dissapointment with the hurt I'd been feeling that night. I hadn't cut or self-harmed in almost eight years. I wore mittens to bed that night. Needless to say I spent the next couple of weeks battling back to an even keel.
I guess what I'm saying with it being World Suicide Prevention day, and it being the start of the season for many college, high school, and all-star cheerleading teams. This also marks the start of many sports seasons in general. Don't be the coach who preaches about leaving it at the door, create an athmosphere where your athletes feel like they can talk to you, without fear of judgement and ridicule. Don't be quick to judge an athlete who seems like they're only giving you 60% instead of 110% because that 60% might be %180 of everything they can give. Don't pass off an athlete as uncoachable and preach it to them with a message of your replaceable, because they'll internalize it. Talk to your teams about real world problems that could effect them or maybe effecting them now.
Talk to them about triggers, and ask them away from the others if they have any. That way you'll be best able to work around them and not accidentally trigger them. This was something that played a huge part into what happened this year. My coach was close to my age, in my peer group and having them yell at me even deservedly, tell me to quite being a little bitch and the like it set off emotional triggers. It put me in a place where I genuinely couldn't fight back because I'd lose my spot on the team and it did nothing for our generally athlete/ coach relationship.
As coaches this year please watch out for your athletes, even the ones who seem happy go lucky. Value you all of them, let them know they have your friendship put yourself in a position to be the force that keeps them from the edge and not the one to push them over it. Coach your athletes to look out for their teammates and to show an unconditional love for eath other. Create an enviornment built to break up sucidal thoughts that reminds your athletes they have something to be here for.
I'd also like to say that I am going back to try-out again for the college cheer team. I love the sport and for the most part my teammates. Cheer may not come easy to me at all, but I it's something I give my all too. This year my goal is to get a toss to hands unassisted and maybe a punch front round off back tuck this season. I'll most likely still work those skills even if I don't make the team. I've also been talking to someone about how I better could of handle that situation and situations like that in the future from my end. I'm happier these days. My forearm has also healed 80% of the way and I only have one small scar to remind me of that battle and I'm sure by May of 2016 it will have left me too.
-H
